Tango Alpha Mama: The Lady is a Tramp

Believe

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

I gave birth to a healthy baby boy via C-section two years ago. He was fed breastmilk for three months before I chose to stop. He's now a strong-willed ball of energy with a beautiful smile and hearty laugh. I'm about to give birth again to a baby girl in a couple of weeks. I look forward to holding her small frame in my arms for the next couple of months before she too transforms into a toddler with her own identity. Whether I undergo a VBAC or another C-section is still a decision my husband and I will make in the coming days.

Skinny size zero was once in until the realization hit me that strong-and-healthy is a good way to go. However, muscles in my arms, abs and legs gave way to a soft balloon of belly and an exit-point battle scar. Tiger stripes subtly provide evidence of the balloon while a red mound marks the once-fatal wound. Perky hills eventually became uneven mountains of milk and fat, before transforming back into hills, albeit deflated from the stretch. That bright pregnancy glow was replaced with a sallow gray complexion, deep haunted looks and splotchy skin.

There were days when choosing not to breastfeed became a source of secret shame and frustration against the backdrop of women hashtagging their breastfeeding triumphs. There were days when random articles on Twitter included harsh comments against C-section births. There are days when I feel ashamed of stretch marks, sagging breasts, bigger hips and a wider waistline, of uneven skin, brown complexion and bushy hair. There are days when I lament the physical changes and dream of supposedly better days past, when tiny shirts and skirts could fit like loose gloves. There are days when anger is directed at men in general, who do not need to undergo these changes. There are days when I just want to drop it all and run away.

I bet most women and mothers have those days too, when looking at the mirror inevitably brings about a swell of shame, sadness, anger and/or regret.

Why?

Images of seemingly perfect pregnant and postpartum bodies. Ads for whitening products and stretch mark creams. Worship of women who transformed from curvy to skinny. Diet regimens. Criticism of women who have gained weight and "let themselves go." Arguments directed against a woman's appearance rather than on her opinions on legitimate political and social issues. Attacks against C-section births and mothers who choose to not breastfeed.

What is alarming is how women perpetuate these vicious wars against other women. What is disturbing is how it has become a culture, an unconscious bias, a stereotype, a norm.

I want to stop. We need to stop.

With my son on the day he was born

Starting today, I choose to be more conscious of my language about women. I choose to focus on each woman's unique beauty and to celebrate diversity. I choose to respect each woman's choice on matters related but not limited to appearance, health, pregnancy, breastfeeding and motherhood. I choose to support each woman's journey - no more judgment, no more criticism, no more attacks.

Moreover, as a mother, I will teach both my son and daughter to be careful, tolerant and loving. They will learn to view women as people, not as objects, targets or commodities. I hope that they too will speak up and speak out for women.

We need to clamor for ads and messages which promote real and diverse beauty, not set ourselves up against standards which idealize a certain body type, skin color or race. We need to speak out against attacks on other women, whether on their appearance, on their choices or on their status in society. We need to encourage freedom of choice and to take a more understanding perspective on the various stories and reasons behind these choices. We need to see each other as real people with minds, hearts and souls.

We need to start a new cycle. It needs to start today.

The Lady is a Tramp

#ReadyForHillary

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Lady is a Tramp

Smile

Saturday, April 04, 2015

I dread visiting dentists. Once I start to open my mouth for their routine inspection, I am on the receiving end of tut-tuts, pity, annoyance, advice and a combination of some and all of these. Each and every time, I think to myself,

"Yes, I know my teeth are horribly crooked. Yes, I know I need braces. Yes, I know I need to do something about it."

I grew up with two working parents and four siblings in a modest household. We had everything we needed but not much for luxury, which I thought was fine on most days. Braces were out of the question - it would eat up too much of our family budget. Being the eldest daughter, I took this fact in stride and accepted that until I started earning my own money, my teeth would need to take a backseat.

As a child and teenager, I also accepted the fact that I could never be "beautiful." My notion of beauty at the time was perfection - perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect skin, perfect body. I had neither, as I had bushy hair, horrible teeth, pimply dark skin and a plump body. From then on, I worked hard on the one thing I considered my greatest asset - my brains. At the very least, I could achieve perfect grades when I wanted to. I graduated with the highest honours and landed a scholarship at my dream university.

I consider myself lucky that I got into relationships with partners who accepted all of me, including my imperfect smile. They appreciated my intelligence as much as my so-called beauty. I never experienced being forced to conform to alleged standards of beauty and perfection - they always let me be myself, including the good, the bad and the ugly.

Today, I am blessed with a husband who never once criticized my crooked smile. I have a husband who tells me he loves his beautiful and intelligent wife. Half the time, I greatly appreciate the part where he tells me he loves my brains. Half the time, I secretly wish I could accept the part about my beauty. It's still hard for me to fully accept; I still feel like an ugly duckling.

Last weekend, we paid a visit to a new dentist for teeth cleaning. My last appointment with a dentist was around three years ago. I made a fuss and got into a quarrel with my husband who did not want to be late for our appointment. He didn't know I was stalling and dreading that visit.

I braced myself for the tut-tuts, pity, annoyance, advice and a combination of some and all of these when she started to inspect my teeth. I waited. And waited. And waited. It never came. Instead, she commended me for good oral hygiene, given that she did not need to clean out my teeth so much. When I brought up the topic of braces, she first asked me if I thought there was a problem with my teeth.

That was the first time a dentist has ever posed that question to me.

"Do you have a problem with your teeth? Because I don't want the problem statement to come from me. It has to come from you. Who am I to state a problem which you don't consider a problem?"

Bluntly, I stated the obvious.

Again, for the first time ever, a dentist told me that while my teeth need work to be straightened out, she also told me that at the very least, my "profile" (i.e. the proportion from forehead to chin and from mouth to jawline) was fine. She advised that the only way to conclusively say braces could help me with my problem was to undergo an x-ray examination.

Needless to say, I walked out of that clinic feeling an extreme sense of relief and gratitude.

The Lady is a Tramp

To My Sister

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Dear M,

Our relationship has not always been easy. There was a time when I resented having a sister, when I didn't quite appreciate the gift of sisterhood. I remember how I used to bully you, how I used to see you simply as someone I had to share a room with. I wish I had seen you then - your beauty, your grace, your light. I wish we had grown closer as sisters and best friends earlier in our lives.

I want you to know that I am proud of you, of the person you've become and the person you're becoming. Despite all the challenges that life has thrown at you, you give back nothing but love and joy. I see you spending your time being our brothers' confidante, our cousins' tutor and a friend to all. I see people succeed because of you. I see how much potential people see in you and how far your talents and passion have taken you. You are amazing.

I know you feel anxious and apprehensive right now. Graduating from the university is a big step forward into the world, away from all that you have known so far about life. It's okay to feel that way, don't worry. All I can tell you is that life after school, the one they call "the real world", is what you make it. You make your own path. That may sound scary and overwhelming but it also sounds like an adventure. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it's time for you to really live your life. You can make your own map, your own schedule, your own goals and your own milestones. Own your life and enjoy every step of the way.

You know what, I'm confident that you will do great things. I see that desire in you to change the world for the better. Find your inspiration and nurture that thirst for change. You will encounter cynics and pessimists along the way - listen to them but never back down on your dreams and aspirations. Your heart already knows what it wants - go out there and make it happen.

Remember that when you think you've failed and when you think there is nowhere else to go, you have me and our family to help you get back on your feet. Remember that you can always come home to recuperate and rethink your way. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, they will make you stronger and wiser. However, do be careful with your heart and with whom you give it to - it's not easy to mend.

Finally, have faith and hope in our Lord. Do it for His glory. Take time to be still so you can hear Him. Let Him steer you gently into the right direction, even when you don't quite understand His way. You will never be lost when you have Him.

Take flight, little sis.

All my love,

The Lady is a Tramp

To Our Baby Girl

Saturday, February 21, 2015

To our dearest baby girl,

Six months have passed since you started growing in my tummy. I suspected you were a girl when I started getting the sniffles and sneezes after just a month - I cannot explain why or how; perhaps it is simply a mother's intuition. I must admit that I had hoped for another boy, for another son who could be your brother's playmate. I had wished for another boy so I could remain the sole lady of the house. I'm sorry if that made you feel slighted or unloved. That is my first apology to you, one among the many in the days, weeks and years to come.

We are all very excited to finally meet you. Your Tatay is happy that he is getting a little princess, in the same way that I have my little prince. Your brother now pokes my belly from time to time to catch glimpses of your little punches and kicks. Your aunts, grandmas, ninangs and titas are eagerly preparing your small pink outfits with matching shoes and accessories; you will never go out of style.

Since you started living in my tummy, I suddenly developed a penchant for make-up (especially red lipstick), dresses, high-heeled shoes and Taylor Swift. Indeed, many suspected your gender early when I started taking on a more feminine approach to life. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be smarter and more beautiful than your Nanay.

However, let me be the first to tell you that beauty is far more than possessing a pretty face and charming wit. I want you to grow up to be beautiful on the inside too. There are a few things that I want you to understand before you fly out of the nest, and I hope you will take these things to heart. There is wisdom behind some of Taylor Swift's songs.

FEARLESS. Be brave and be strong. Listen to your own voice and don't be afraid to speak up. Never apologise for who you are but make sure to learn from your mistakes. Make your own path. Sometimes you will need to go at it alone; Nanay and Tatay will be with you all the way, especially when you feel most alone. Believe in yourself and in what you are capable of. Believe in your dreams and your power to change the world.
MEAN. You will encounter people you think are mean. Sometimes, they will be mean because they do not like you. Other times, they just want to be mean for the sake of being so. Don't let them get to you and don't become one of them. Focus on what matters in life - love, family and friendship. Be kind, so karma will also be kind to you.
SHAKE IT OFF. Life will not be perfect or easy or fair, and that is okay. It will be still be beautiful and meaningful and magical. Have hope and faith. Be optimistic and realistic at the same time. Never be cynical because there is beauty and magic if you choose to look for them.
LOVE STORY. You will get your heart broken and you may even break some hearts along the way. It will not be the end of the world. Wait for the man who will respect you, who can wait for you, who will love you wholeheartedly, who can stand by you no matter what. Tatay and Kuya Alonzo will beat the crap out of any boy who makes you cry; Nanay will be there to take photos and videos of the action.
WELCOME TO NEW YORK. The world is yours for the taking. Make it your playground. Whenever you get the chance, travel to new places and make new friends. Take photographs of the important moments of your life so you can relish them again long after the actual moments have passed. Try to live your life without regret.

Anak, know that you will be safe and sound with us, that you are welcome in our home and in our family. We will try our best to be the kind of parents that you can be proud of, but please be patient with us when we falter. We will also try to understand you and to make room for your uniqueness. We will always have your best interests in mind, even when sometimes things will not make sense to you. You will always be in our hearts.

We will see you soon, little girl.

Love,

Nanay