No More Shame
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
I gave birth to a healthy baby boy via C-section two years ago. He was fed breastmilk for three months before I chose to stop. He's now a strong-willed ball of energy with a beautiful smile and hearty laugh. I'm about to give birth again to a baby girl in a couple of weeks. I look forward to holding her small frame in my arms for the next couple of months before she too transforms into a toddler with her own identity. Whether I undergo a VBAC or another C-section is still a decision my husband and I will make in the coming days.
Skinny size zero was once in until the realization hit me that strong-and-healthy is a good way to go. However, muscles in my arms, abs and legs gave way to a soft balloon of belly and an exit-point battle scar. Tiger stripes subtly provide evidence of the balloon while a red mound marks the once-fatal wound. Perky hills eventually became uneven mountains of milk and fat, before transforming back into hills, albeit deflated from the stretch. That bright pregnancy glow was replaced with a sallow gray complexion, deep haunted looks and splotchy skin.
There were days when choosing not to breastfeed became a source of secret shame and frustration against the backdrop of women hashtagging their breastfeeding triumphs. There were days when random articles on Twitter included harsh comments against C-section births. There are days when I feel ashamed of stretch marks, sagging breasts, bigger hips and a wider waistline, of uneven skin, brown complexion and bushy hair. There are days when I lament the physical changes and dream of supposedly better days past, when tiny shirts and skirts could fit like loose gloves. There are days when anger is directed at men in general, who do not need to undergo these changes. There are days when I just want to drop it all and run away.
I bet most women and mothers have those days too, when looking at the mirror inevitably brings about a swell of shame, sadness, anger and/or regret.
Why?
Images of seemingly perfect pregnant and postpartum bodies. Ads for whitening products and stretch mark creams. Worship of women who transformed from curvy to skinny. Diet regimens. Criticism of women who have gained weight and "let themselves go." Arguments directed against a woman's appearance rather than on her opinions on legitimate political and social issues. Attacks against C-section births and mothers who choose to not breastfeed.
What is alarming is how women perpetuate these vicious wars against other women. What is disturbing is how it has become a culture, an unconscious bias, a stereotype, a norm.
I want to stop. We need to stop.
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| With my son on the day he was born |
Starting today, I choose to be more conscious of my language about women. I choose to focus on each woman's unique beauty and to celebrate diversity. I choose to respect each woman's choice on matters related but not limited to appearance, health, pregnancy, breastfeeding and motherhood. I choose to support each woman's journey - no more judgment, no more criticism, no more attacks.
Moreover, as a mother, I will teach both my son and daughter to be careful, tolerant and loving. They will learn to view women as people, not as objects, targets or commodities. I hope that they too will speak up and speak out for women.
We need to clamor for ads and messages which promote real and diverse beauty, not set ourselves up against standards which idealize a certain body type, skin color or race. We need to speak out against attacks on other women, whether on their appearance, on their choices or on their status in society. We need to encourage freedom of choice and to take a more understanding perspective on the various stories and reasons behind these choices. We need to see each other as real people with minds, hearts and souls.
We need to clamor for ads and messages which promote real and diverse beauty, not set ourselves up against standards which idealize a certain body type, skin color or race. We need to speak out against attacks on other women, whether on their appearance, on their choices or on their status in society. We need to encourage freedom of choice and to take a more understanding perspective on the various stories and reasons behind these choices. We need to see each other as real people with minds, hearts and souls.
We need to start a new cycle. It needs to start today.
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